I gotta gut this fish

Man, I gotta. It’s effected my life for long enough. I’m tired of being a slave to my past.

Let me tell you about my family; I had a helluva father — he was a good, honest man who took his responsibilities as a father seriously. He was also a pillar in the community. He owned a business, was an helluva leader and a spiritual guide for many. I couldn’t have asked for anything else. I loved the hell out of him, and he was the best man I’ve ever known.

My mother did the best she could: she tried to live up, but she couldn’t, and it caused a little bit of friction in my house. My dad was a God in the community. My mom struggled to keep up, and she did the best she could. She had some mental health issues, and struggled with depression. She sounds like a handful, but I loved my mom. She was always there for me, and taken in context of the times, she did the level best she could.

At the age of 16 I was a little pot smoking idiot kid, and my mom and Dad struggled in their marriage at the time. My fathers commitment held the whole thing together, which I greatly admire. He was just that guy. My mother lost herself in the whole thing. I ended up living with her for a time.

They were good times. I grew up a little, and my mother and I became close. Maybe moreso than my brothers and sisters.

Heh, my dad was a force of nature. The thing that I learned from his was honesty; I think my whole life I’ve tried to measure up to that. I think his principles were what made him a great man. I miss him, and his wisdom.

I learned compassion from my mother. For all her faults, she was a good woman, and did her best to support her husband and raise a good family. This was the 50s and 60s and 70s. Times were different, and a lot of times weakness in any area was looked so highly on. I’m not going to apologize for her — she was awesome, and I miss her.

My father died at the age of 65, when I was 23. It was the worst day of my life. I had just married a year or so before, and when my wife came and told me the news, I could see it in her face before she told me. My father was gone. My employer, my rock…. the best man I’ve ever known, like I said. All of a sudden I was unemployed, and I knew I had to be the man now. I had no net to catch me. I also knew that since I was the closest to my mom, I had to try and take care of her, as much as a 23 year old can.

Shit happened pretty fast at that time. I bought a bunch of my fathers heavy equipment, and it was time to be man. I started my own excavating business, with a loan I got from my family. With interest, which is how the real world works.

Things went well, for a few years…. then the Internet came along, and I took to that like a fish to water. It was perfect. I ended up selling my heavy equipment and sold the business, to get into this new technology. The whole thing made sense to me.

I’d bounced around in the technology world, making huge money at times and not so much others.

I’m a pretty sane guy; prone to logic and not getting overcome by emotion. I think I’m a lot like my dad that way.

On my birthday, in 2010 my business of 100 employees crashed and burned. I saw it coming a year earlier, yet I didn’t have the balls to make a change. It is what it is.

in 2011, my mother died. She’d given into her demons, and was taking a slew of prescriptions near the end. I saw it all as I settled her estate and read her writings (she loved to write). I think its what killed her. Even so, she’d lived to a ripe old age of 77, and maybe it was just her time. To this day, I miss her.

My family went to shit. Some of the things I heard them say when they were dealing with it, and settling her estate made me vomit in my mouth. It was dumb as hell. There was a lawsuit between her and her kids. I can’t help but think it couldn’t have been handled better, considering she was their mother. It was terrible to see that they couldn’t see my mom for what she was; A good person — hell, a great person who’d done the level best she could and was fighting her problems. Considering her demons, she was a helluva good woman. There was no compassion.

I moved to Phoenix to be clear of that, and do my own thing. Not that they are bad people, but I just see things differently. I’m cool with that, but I’m not so sure they are. I don’t think a day goes by that I don’t wish that I was close with them, but I’m not holding out any hope for reconciliation. Quite simply, we just come at the world from different places. I’m not sure I even want to.

In the legacy of my father: It’s not all just about business, or religion or even family. It’s balance in life. Its about having your kids love and remember you, at least in my eyes. Pass good things down. He had that. He taught us that. They’ll pass down what is important to them and hope it sticks, and I’ll pass down what is important to me. I hope it sticks.

I’m doing my own thing; on purpose. I have a great family. My kids are I are close; 30 years ago I saw something in my wife that I wanted in my life, and she’s never disappointed. She’s the most centered person I know, and between me and her, we’ve raised a great family. I’ve learned from my fathers legacy I think, and hopefully I’ll pass some of that good stuff down. Things like honesty, and integrity. They have that. I’m proud as hell of that.

Thanks for letting me vent; I just had to get it out.