I need to get out why, after 3 years I turned in my B.A.C.A. patch.

First, I believe in the cause. I stand by my belief that children are the only innocent things in the world. They deserve more than what they get most times, and they always need to be protected, be it from passing traffic or pedophile fucks.
You have the same action in all those decisions, you do it without question, and without thinking about it, let alone second guessing it. For me, that hasn’t changed. For Robyn either. Kids are the only innocent thing in the world. They need adults to keep them safe. B.A.C.A. had a physical and time test to see if I was worthy of that, and I’m glad I passed it. But at the end of the day, kids see through bullshit. Abused kids have a radar, that sees through even a BACA back patch. They scan you for survival, and they only trust what is going to keep them away from abuse. Sometimes, even that is not enough.

Kids need an influence, abused or not from outside their family. Family is the base, no matter what it is, but an outside influence really sticks if that influence is right.

I left BACA, because …. I am not a joiner. But, I also still need BACA. I just….I wasn’t born to follow. I have a very…. er, extremely low tolerance for bullshit. All Organizations are full of varying degrees of bullshit. I don’t care what organization you’re talking about. I have a problem with rules that are not my own, for better or for worse. It’s my hang up, I get that. I suppose I could talk about that for hours and devote a whole blog to that alone.

I left BACA also for my family. I was drained. I had to shed something. I am more than what I was being. I wasn’t what I once was, and I Liked what I was. I like what I am. I like the brothers I met, and the ones I still call brothers. At the end of the day, I couldnt shake the question: What if I put the same effort into my family as I did this organization? I have 3 beautiful daughters who are counting on me. I don’t know that I’m the guy who can do both. or nothing kind of guy.

All I know so many who are doing it all. I have nothing but admiration for those who I see keeping those balls in the air, and who do it all. I wasn’t that guy. I’m an introspective guy who loves riding, loves his wife and family, loves building and describing things. I know a few of those guys.

Drifter, from Moab – A person with country wisdom, and a helping hand for anyone and recognizes truth when he sees it and holds on, no questions.

Little T from Price – a family man who sees it as it comes, and handles the same.

Slurpee from Tooele. A survivor with an axe to grind, and friendship to those who need his help. A self made man who keeps it all in balance. A natural leader I think. A guy to party with for sure.

Sticks from Maricopa- a man who recognizes friendship but cuts through bullshit with a sharp knife. Pick up a knife with him, and you have a friend for life. He will be there with you, knife in hand. Much love to stick, and his wife dimples. Good people there. Maybe the best I know.

Nails from St George. Been to the puppet show, and seen the strings. Fights in all things, keeping his wife of 30 years in balance and his loyalties sharp. A good friend if you are so lucky to know him. I’m lucky to know them both.

Chef from TN. Steady and true. Casual, but if he sees something not honest or right, he will tell you and make it right, no matter the personal cost.

Cowboy from Yuma. Huge heart. Small town boy working an international process, but knowing whats right. A trouble maker!

Boomer and Beezer: the only cops I’ve ever liked. God knows I tried not to, but got won over. Heart as big as the 2nd biggest county in the nation he is seargant over, and the slow wisdom that comes from discretion and experience. I love you 2. Best 2 people in our chapter.

Little Guy: Enthusiasm and happy to be there, no matter where he is. By your side through thick and thin, because he is who is is. Its WHO he is. Glad you met a woman with your values and is solid bro!

Shots – he will run to a friends help. I know few like you.

There are also some, I’d like to punch in the throat and choke you out. Very few though. One or two. You’re in, because you know the right people, but you’ll avoid the conflict when the conflict counts. BACA is not about the stance, its about the shield. If you can’t be that eventually, you’re exposed. I know eventually, you’ll be. I suspect you’ll screen your calls.

I met the finest of BACA. There are more. Guys who will pick up the phone at 2 am, jump on a cold bike and ride 4 hours because they got the call. Guys who would INSTINCTIVELY jump in front of a bullet to protect a kid, even though they could have a doubt. I rode with many of you. I did level 2’s with some of you.

So why would I leave?

Maybe I’m not that guy. I think I am. I’ve been on level 2s that I was ready to do what was neccesary to protect a kid or two. the kind where you’re not lying to yourself. I still think I’m that guy. Dying in the line of protecting an innocent child is in me. I got to see the puppet show, and I saw the strings. All puppet shows have strings, and I hate strings. Being a supporter in Bikers Against Child Abuse is an honor. I can still ride with these men, pull up to a house, get on one knee, look that kid in the eye and tell them I’ll do whatever it takes and be there for them. I can also not give a shit about the strings. To me, its the best of both worlds. Maybe I am not a commitment guy, on that level. To me, I brushed aside the strings and can still keep the eye to eye, where it counts. We’ll see if that happens.

I am who I am. I know who I am. I like what I see. To those brothers I mention, and more I haven’t met: You are fucking MEN. Nothing but respect and love. NOTHING BUT. You will do what you have to do, colors or not. it’s in you. Time will tell, no matter what I say or do, if thats in me. Give me the chance to prove it, colors or not. You’re either against child abuse or you’re for it. You either ride towards the problem, or you stay home.

At the end of the day, I won’t be tangled in the strings. Fuck that. My life is too short, and I have no patience to explain it if you don’t understand. I just have never wanted it that bad. I don’t need a patch however, to tell you with all my conviction, as a father, as a guy who loves riding: NO CHILD DESERVES TO LIVE IN FEAR.

It wasn’t about the patch. It was about the kids. Straight up.

If you don’t believe me, then fuck off. I honestly don’t care.

I need BACA. I just needed a few other things more. I’m glad its there.

New favorite song. Video reminds me of some of the old towns I’ve passed through on Route 66, and the song is just good too. been in my head for a few days.

The moon was shinin’ on the lake that night.
The Slayer t-shirt fit the scene just right.
Through smeared mascara, I looked into your eyes and saw a light.
You told me stories about your chickadees
They didn’t like BB guns or stupid archery.
The jumbo lifeguard, he let them use the pool all day for free.

Then the conversation stopped and I looked down at my feet.
I was next to you and you were right there next to me.
Then I said, “Girl, if you’re wondering if I want you to, I want you to.
So make the move. Cause I ain’t got all night.”

The rest of the summer was the best we ever had.
We watched Titanic and it didn’t make us sad.
I took you to Best Buy, you took me home to meet your mom and dad.
Your mom cooked meatloaf even though I don’t eat meat.
I dug you so much I took some for the team.

Your dad was silent. His eyes were fixed to what was on TV.

Then the conversation stopped and I looked down at the ring.
Your folks were next to you and you were right there next to me.
Then I said, “Girl, if you’re wondering if I want you to, I want you to.
I swear it’s true. Without you, my heart is blue.
Ooohwhoa Girl, if you’re wondering if I want you to, I want you to.
So make a move. Cause I ain’t got all night.”

So much pain may come our way.
There may come a day when we have nothing left to say.

When the conversation stops and we’re facing our defeat.
I’ll be next to you and you’ll be right there next to me.
Then I’ll say, “Girl, if you’re wondering if I want you to, I want you to.
I swear it’s true. Without you my heart is blue.
Ooohwhoa Girl, if you’re wondering if I want you to, I want you to.
So make a move. Cause I ain’t got all night.”

Lots has happened lately. I stepped down from VP of my BACA Chapter, and a week later turned in my patch, so I’m now just at supporter status. Long story, but my family and work had to come first and had to make a decision. BACA is a big commitment, and I couldn’t juggle it all. My time there was the best, and made great friends I’ll count as brothers forever.

Funeral was yesterday. My wife was out of town and business and family I was only able to go the the viewing but I said my goodbyes to Tony.

Saw a poem on the wall of the mortuary that I wished I’d have taken a picture of. More or less saying, don’t mourn for me, I’m in the wind, I’m in still with you because Life renews. I’m not a religious person, but I tend to believe that happens in one way or another. You pass who you are to your children. They pass it on to theirs. Memories and life experiences of your friends change you and life goes on.

Life goes on. Time to live life, live it more than yesterday.

Tony was a good man.    His daughter will bear the scars of him leaving so young.    I think I bear the ones of my father leaving at 22.    It does’nt matter.    It is what is is.

Theres 2 songs that I can’t get through.   One is danny boy.   My father played me that song before he died.   he sent it to me when I lived in Maryland.   It’s almost like he knew his own mortality.   I don’t think he knew his own legacy.    it was large.   It’s huge to me anyway.

The other is this song.    Rancid, fall back down.   Different time, different era, but from a good friend as well.

Today well ride for tony.   Taking his daughter, and his brother is taking his bike.   Like me, he rode to blow off the stress of the day.   he liked snow canyon and he liked sand hollow.    we’ll go those places and think of him.   I have daughters.   hell, its all ive got.   I think about what my own father passed to me.   material possesions that fade away.       At the end of the day, its whats in your blood that passes on.   he’s in me.  The dunn that as far as I’m concerned started with my grandfather and my dad got, and is in me as well.    I saw his fears, his triumphs, his dark days and his shining moments he was proud of.   those things are in me.    It’s going to take time for that to sink in to tony’s kids.   it took time for me.   Eventually, we all figure out that it’s who we are is whats the most important.   We all figure out that it’s our families, and our gene pool that make us who we are.  It’s why old people like family reunions.

Today is tony’s day.   After that, I’m gonna put it to rest, and hold the memory.

I got some shitty news from my President this morning.   My friend Tony Skougaard passed away last night.   I am in shock.   I am extremely sad.   He was a friend.

I first met Tony in 2001 when I sold my company to a company he worked for.   I immediately liked him.  Tony had an easy going way about him, but also didnt take any shit and voiced his opinion when he had something to say.   We both liked Punk Rock, and would share music.  He knew the new stuff, I knew the old stuff.     He was left wing, I was right wing.   We would debate and give each other shit, all in fun.   I remember when he bought his harley.   He was so stoked, I was the first person from the office he came to show it to.   he bought well, and was proud.   I was jealous.    Tony was one of a kind.   I am going to miss him.   I already miss him.

Our daughters went to summer camp together.   I hired his ex wife for a time.   I had dinner at his house, and he mine.   I introduced him to B.A.C.A.  where he was quite honestly one of the best supporters we had, and was up for his patch.    He didnt care when he got it, he was there for the right reasons.   He pitched in, had your back, and partied hard.     When you needed something, Tony was there.   At least he was there for me.   He helped me more than a few times.

I remember the phone conversations with him about joining BACA, when he was going through a hard time in his life.   He said he was looking for a deeper purpose, something to ride for.   I remember riding to vegas with him and him running out of gas :).   I remember calling him first when I got my first tattoo, after years of him egging me on to get one.    I remember him telling me to be careful, that when you get one, you’ll want more, and he was right.    I remember having hard times myself, and knowing tony had my back, in the ways you know are real.   The darkest night of my life had Tony on the outskirts, watching out for my interests.   I remember him in the passing lane, cutting it close and laughing about it when I was shitting my pants!  I remember riding thunder in the tunnel with him, before either of us was in BACA.   He always had a smart ass comment, a willingness to give you what he had, and a shot of sailor jerry at the end of the day.    He was a good dad and a good friend.  Maybe the best.

I stayed in touch with Tony when I started up my own company again.   He was one of the best customer service managers you’ll ever see, and hired him as a consultant to teach my people how to do things right.     He was honest, and thorough.    What you see is what you get, and what you got was true.  You don’t get that good without being genuine.   Tony was.

His daughter found him this morning.    It rips my heart out, and I’m struggling to get over it.     There is a hole left where only spike could fill.    Rest in peace my brother.   We’ll all miss you.

Rancid and Green Day will never sound the same again bro.   You were one of a kind.   Ride hard where you’re at.

Its 3:20 AM, and Watching dogtown. I remember these times. I remember the early days of skateboarding magazine, of new innovations and these guys seemed like my people. Its funny how 30 years changes things. How perspectives change, how life changes. Older and wiser.

I’ve made a habit of bearing my heart into this blog. I don’t know why, but its a release I don’t get anywhere else. I feel pretty anonymous here, and I’ve come to the point that I feel pretty safe dumping out whats on my mind. I know there are people that read it, and I do get some feedback now and again that makes me feel better. Even with no feedback, I still feel better. Life is for living…. for feeling. For experiencing, and I’m watching new phases unfold of things to live and feel.

We’re all humans. We think, we feel, we take our bruises and scuffs and move on. No one gets out of this without these things, and the ones who don’t miss a lot I think.

I need a good ride. It’s been a rough summer. One a good long solo bike ride would answer pretty handily. I appreciate the kudos from my friends here who offer encouragement, but honestly you gotta know I’m not looking for that. I think most times I’m just looking for an answer, and theres always an answer.

Dogtown. these guys figured out some cool shit. I had some of these guys boards. I had a bitchen tony alva board I used to ride pools and ramps with, as well as a raybonez rodriguez board which was classic. THe alva board had so much concave, I used to joke I could eat a bowl of cereal out of it, and I think I was right. I remember draining swimming pools in the middle of the night, and building more half pipes than I can probably count with my friends. We were free. We had fun. We were bro’s. Some of these guys are still friends to this day. All older now, and wiser, but we had our day with skateboarding.

Ever escorted an abused teenager who had to testify against her abusive dad 150 miles away, and stood outside her motel door to protect her so she could just sleep? A kid who just wanted to grow up: just wanted her first date; just wanted to know what prom is like. Instead, she had to push through shit that her pedophile dad heaped upon her. She’s gotta deal with that her whole life. BACA my friends, is here to break that chain so she can move ahead we hope. I hope. Kristy, are you doing okay?

There’s a moment in time
And it’s stuck in my mind
Way back, when we were just kids

Cause your eyes told the tale
Of an act of betrayal
I knew that somebody did

Oh, waves of time
Seem to wash away
The scenes of our crimes
For you this never ends

Can you stay strong?
Can you go on?
Kristy are you doing okay?
A rose that won’t bloom
Winter’s kept you
Don’t waste your whole life trying
To get back what was taken away

Though the marks on your dress
Had been neatly repressed
I knew that something was wrong
And I should have spoke out
And I’m so sorry now
I didn’t know
Cause we were so young

Oh, clouds of time
Seem to rain on
Innocence left behind
And it never goes away

Can you stay strong?
Can you go on?
Kristy are you doing okay?
A rose that won’t bloom
Winter’s kept you
Don’t waste your whole life trying
To get back what was taken away

Oh, clouds of time
Seem to rain on
Innocence left behind
And it never goes away
It never goes away

Can you stay strong?
Can you go on?
Kristy are you doing okay?
A rose that won’t bloom
Winter’s kept you
Don’t waste your whole life trying
To get back what was taken away

Don’t waste your whole life trying
To get back what was taken away

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul

William Ernest Henly